"A Pill Won't Help My Hurt"

Wouldn't it be nice if we could swallow a Tylenol for our heartaches? It would be so easy wouldn't it. But, unfortunately, that is not the way it is. When I think back of heartbreaks and how truly raw they made me as they tore at my inner being where love is formed, I cringe on the memory. How many times I thought my heart would cease to beat and my breath would still forever. I felt incredibly numb with the heartpain that fulfilled my chest. I actually kneeled while grasping myself as though all feeling left my legs and there was no strength in them to hold me up any longer and my tears were like a river flowing from my eyes. I thought I would just quit...just not care about tomorrow, whether it comes or not. Then, I curled up into the fetal position and as exhaustion surrounded me like a blanket, sleep came over me.
The next morning I was awakened by birds singing a melody I'd never heard before. Someone was mowing their lawn and the sound swooshed my memories back to when I was a child and I was playing skip rope on pavement, the sound of my black patten shoes scraped loudly and proudly against the sparsely graveled cement. Neighbours chatting made me think of my Mom and Aunts when they were together. In the distance I thought I heard my son and my daughter playing together in their youth. In her little girl's voice, my daughter was talking her big brother's ear off as she always did. Her brother was her hero.
Suddenly, I realized that I had not even thought of why I had slept in my clothes. I did not have the pain inside me that I thought I would surely die from, but now it was only an ache. Seeing and hearing all of these memories made my soul come to life rather than grieving something that had died. Life was so much more important than the loss of something on this earth because if I lost it then it wasn't mine to begin with. I do not mean the loss of a loved one, that is a whole different story, but, I am referring to a relationship mostly, I guess. I am relating to my experiences. As I have stated before in previous postings, I have had 2 failed marriages and two drastic relationships. I felt like such a failure after the last one a little over four years ago. But then, through my wonderful Christian Counselor I came to realise that it was not only me but it was also the "choice" I made because of where my self-esteem was at. My Christianity has been my bow & arrow of life now and I feel stronger now than I have ever been when I was married or with someone in my life. I am not saying that I wouldn't like to marry again one day, but, if I do, it will be God's choice for me...not mine. I am just sharing that I couldn't find a pill to help my heartbreak when it was present, but, I sure learned a great deal from it's pain. And once the clouds disappeared...it wasn't so bad. Thinking about all of the beauties in my life brought me back to earth and made me reconnect with reality that this is only one life I have here on this earth and even though there is pain I want to live through them and learn and become strong as I recover from each blow. I never, ever, walk through them alone because God is always with me.

Take Heart & Know That After The Storm There Is A Rainbow Of Beautiful Colors Waiting Just For You To Enjoy

"Im PMS-ing, I Have A Loaded Flashlight-Watch Out!"

Another watch neared. The weather was getting better so when Thursday nights neared the "young & the restless" wanted to get a head start on their weekend partying in the bush next to our property. There was one of our Seniors who was a little "different & very nosy" if I should put it mildly, and every so often I would find him outside smoking a pipe as he followed me from a distance. I would finally approach him and say as sweetly as I could, "Maybe you should go back to your suite Mr. M. because it just isn't safe to walk around at midnight anymore." "I can take care of myself!" he would snarl and walk off in a huff...and a puff.

This one particular night I was standing very still in the courtyard just taking in the beauty of the silence and the dreamy screen of stars across the heavens when I heard a distant sound of whispers. I slipped into the shadows of the building to investigate under cover. Sure enough, there were two people entering our grounds suspiciously bent over and trying to walk quietly, but I heard them long before they even arrived because I am a mother and I have caught many a "cookie thief" in my day! I made the call to the police on my cell and I was giving information to the Operator when suddenly the hairs on my neck raised up on stilts! Then someone whispered behind my ear..."Who are you talking to?"...After I picked myself up from a dead faint I could hear the faraway voice of the Operator..."What's happening? Are you there? Talk to me!" I turned to see who had snuck up behind me and looked into the face of our Mr. M. but this time he was without his pipe so I didn't smell him coming. I gave him a real good tongue wagging and told him to get back to his room and stay there! The Police arrived moments later only to find the visitors long gone. I made a formal complaint the next day that a notice should be given to Mr. M. that he remain in his suite during certain hours. I wanted to deliver it to him myself. I was going to enjoy putting the arrogant Mr. M. in his place...but, I would do so in a very diplomatic way of course.

"You can't tell me I can't leave my suite!"
"Oh yes I can, Mr. M. See this policeman's flashlight? See how heavy it is? This flashlight almost found it's way over your head last night! You never, never, sneak up on a middle-aged woman unexpectedly or you will suffer severe consequences. Do you understand, Mr. M.?"...
I never saw him out at night again.
Sometimes hormones can be a woman's best friend...hee hee

Blessings filled with laughter today, tomorrow...and always

"What Is Easter To You?"

You may be planting Easter eggs for your little ones just as I did when mine were young. But, once my heart began questioning the real meaning of Easter, I wanted to learn more about our furry little fellow who announced the coming of Easter. Then I watched "The Passion of the Christ"

This moved me beyond words. To me, there was no longer any doubt that the Easter Celebration had nothing to do with rabbits...it had to do with the Crucifixion of Jesus on Good Friday and Easter Sunday He rose from death and His spirit was seen by many. He remained on Earth and taught many people before He ascended to his Father in Heaven. He promised us that He would return.

If you are searching for unanswered questions, if you have a hole inside your stomache that feels like it will never be filled, if your heart aches for something that you don't understand...please, watch The Passion. It may give you some idea what He did for you at Easter. It may change your life for the better.

I have no idea where or when the bunny came in and I will probably never try to find out. I, also, will not discontinue buying easter bunnies & chocolate eggs for my loved ones, but I know what my heart believes now and I feel fulfilled. It could have been me up on that cross but instead Jesus said..."Take me instead of her. I will die for her sins if you spare her." Now, it is up to me to accept the gift He gave me...or turn away. I have done a lot of things in my life that I regret deeply but since I came to understand that Jesus gave me a chance to make it right by taking my place I have asked forgiveness to God and will now lead a life following the footsteps of the man who took my place! To me...that is a Happy Easter because it brings hope to the lost, healing to the sick and direction to better, cleaner paths of life.

I would like to close off by sharing one Easter memory when my kids were young.

We were all together at my then husbands parents home for Easter. By this time the youngest, my nephew, was about 4 years old and our children were older. Over the years we had become experts at fooling the children with "rabbit footsteps in the flowerbed by the window, Santa's footsteps beside Rudolphs hoof prints and on and on. Well, this particular morning the children got up filled with excitement that the bunny had left special things just for them. The youngest was especially excited because it was the first year he really understood about the easter bunny. As they began their hunt we adults stood back and watched. Our hearts filled with warmth at the excitement of each child as they found a hidden egg. One child said..."Boy, that Easter Bunny sure is tricky. He really hid them good!"...And then the father of another child said...

"Yep!...we were up really late hiding those eggs !"
A quiet came over the children like a dead calm.

BOOM! Just like that the excitement of a "real bunny" was gone except from the little guy. It is different with Jesus though. If your heart believes in Him you will never doubt. All you have to do is look around you and see the changes He has made in many lives.

So, I wish you a very Happy Easter of "new beginnings and wonderous hope for your future"...today, tomorrow...& always

"Night-Time Security"

When we had a tragic event at the Center, which hit the Television News, the Board of Drectors hired round the clock security. After 1 full year they came to realize that the worst was over and that they could no longer afford the 12 hour night-time watch...so they hired me! Four nights a week from 9:00 pm to 1:00 am.

The Seniors knew me and trusted me (except for the one who thought I stole her left runner & raw piece of chicken of course), more than anyone else on the grounds so I was hired. I began my shift after all my day-time jobs were done. My rounds consisted of patrolling around the whole outside area of the Center. It was a lot of ground to cover which was not a problem to me but the back part was a little unnerving because it was all bush that led to the bird santuary.

The bushed area was also used for the street people during the summer months and for party people. Then there was Mr. Bear who loved the bushes where he would find his berries and plants...and at the back door (which had about 10 feet of lawn before the main building and the bush met) he had a gourmet meal of all sorts, from the "Smythrite Cafe" garbage can at the back door entrance, just right for the pickings!

I usually took 3 or 4 rounds of the whole building lot during my 4 hour shift. I took the same amount inside the buildings. It didn't make for a lot of extra free time. Often, I would find other things that would surface, like, the gentleman who refused to lock his door and leave it wide open and another would leave his motorized cart outside with the keys in it. One night, around 1:00 a.m. darling Mr. B. was wondering around outside because he thought it was daytime. This could have proven to be very dangerous to his well being because we had on 2 occassions had two Senior gentelmen robbed & beaten by a gang. I took Mr. B. back to his room several times a week until he had to be placed into securer environment. One of the special ladies would bake me cookies and bring me hot chocolate! Yet another would join me in walking the grounds for a few laps before his bedtime. Mr. A. would look out her bedroom window just before sleep and I made it a point to be there to wave to a goodnight.

One night, Mr. Bear and I came (almost) face to face! I might mention that 5 miles is close enough for me! It was time for my last round and all was quiet around the beautiful grounds. The sky was clear, the stars twinkled brightly. I could see my breath in front of me on this clear October night. I donned my gloves one more time, flashlight in hand, voice activated cell-phone attached and open for action, whistle on my left wrist and keys attached to my belt loop on my elastic key chain...'Here we go.'...I thought. I was anxious to get home and have a hot bath and crawl into my snuggly bed. Being careless with the thought that throughout my last 3 rounds previous, all was well...I didn't look around first before I walked away from the door letting it close behind me (because our doors closed and locked automatically). I was about 30 feet from the locked door when I heard a noise from the dreaded left hand side of me...where the garbage can was! Yup! Mr. Bear! He stopped munching and looked at me and I looked at him but only for a moment. In fact, all I remember is shakily fighting to get the key in the door on the South end of the building when we had met on the North side! After I safely closed the door, I sat on the stairwell, trying desperately to quiet my racing heart and gasping breath. I said a little prayer to myself..."Please God, don't let anyone have seen that!" The next serious problem was...how am I to get to my car! My car was parked somewhat between the place where Mr. Bear and I locked eyes! Needless to say, after much investigation before leaving my post, I made it to my car.

Oh how I miss them! One of the best times in my life was when I was with the Center for that ten years. Many wonderful memories.

God Bless You Today, Tomorrow ...& Always

"More Of Jane"

During my days at the Senior's Center I filled up on so many hysterically funny situations that I knew at some point I would write about them. Things such as these must be shared with people because "laughter is the best medicine". I have written some short stories for Chicken Soup For The Soul because I really want these stories to bring even one smile to a face or one feather light feeling of warmth.
I was at the Center for 10 full years. Not all was happy. There was a time when one of our tenants came to us as a widow and she never failed to tell me how many servants she had. One day she found out that my then husband worked for the Government and she said..."WHAT! But, he is such an educated man and you are just a housekeeper!" I kept a stiff upper lip, smled and said "Shocking isn't it." and I walked downstairs to the bathrooms...and cried! Oh yes, good times and bad times. One lady accused me of stealing her left runner, size 9 1/2. The Cobbler later called and said that she had left her left runner there for weeks and would she come pick it up. She was 80 and sweetly forgetful. Next, she blamed me for her missing piece of raw chicken. I finally took my Boss's advice and learned to laugh over these such instances otherwise I would break.
My Co-Worker, the handyman, who was also the Manager of the Center and lived on-site, was my buddy. He was about 70 and a real sweetie. We had lots of laughs together. I had recently found one of our Seniors near death in his suite and so this had made me a little on edge because we had been told by "our handyman" that he also was ill. He had throat cancer. We were devastated! One day, I had my tray of cleaners and was on my way to the outer laundry rooms. I passed by our supply room when I quickly looked inside and there was Bob laying on his back with the upper half of his body underneath the laundry tub! "
BOB...BOB!...OH MY GOSH!...BOB!" I grabbed on to his legs and yanked!
"WHAT THE HECK ARE YA DOIN'!"...he yelled! He was underneath the tub fixing a drip! I didn't know our sink had a leak!
Anyway, that is your giggle for the day. I answer all emails if you so wish to write.
Bless you today, tomorrow...& always

"Jane Of All Trades"

In my last posting I mentioned that I worked 11 hour days. I was not a career women but I just had several jobs every day, five days a week. My first job at the Senior's Center began with just vacuuming the hallways, cleaning the bathrooms & the communal lounge, and lastly, the laundry rooms. It began as 3 days a week for 4 hours. Then, I was giving a name, "The Singing Vacuum Lady" because I always sang during this boring task and those hallways were loooong hallways so I had to keep my thoughts in a positive space. It got so that whenever I came on shift, the seniors would open the doors to their suites so that they could listen more clearly. They couldn't tell if I was off key most of the time because a lot of them wore hearing aids so I wasn't afraid of making warbles off key...0:) Soon, it got to the point where my 4 hour shift became 6 hours (and not being paid for the extra 2 hours but I didn't care), because about 5 or 6 of the seniors would come to the door and have a little chat that they promised wouldn't hold me up too long...after two cookies and a cup of tea and listening to them reminesce of days gone by I decided that I would begin visiting them on my own time. I soon got to know them all and ,praisingly, I remembered names & history, hurts and children's names. Some had family and some had no family, while others had family that did not visit. They were lonely people and I was a people person so it was a wonderful ministry.

I spoke to my boss and asked if she would consider taking me on for more hours so that these people could receive more attention. I had been asked by my boss on several occassion to watch over this lady or go in to make toast for that one, etc. so, when the Homemakers went on strike about 10 of our seniors were desperate because it was winter and they were not able to walk and their homemakers would drive them or shop for them. I became the main shopper for these people while the strike lasted. I did it after my shift was over though. I loved helping these beautiful people. I had never know my Grandparents so I was in a little bit of Heaven on Earth. My Boss decided that she would take it to the Board of Directors.They accepted readily with..."Give her what she wants as long as she keeps the people happy!"

Monday's were always really busy at work. There would be line ups down the hallways with seniors poking their heads out...

"There you are dear. I have been waiting. I haven't been able to get my earrings on all weekend. Could you put them in for me?"...from yet another...
"I bought a jar of sweet pickles on Friday and I wasn't able to have one because I can't open the jar. Would you open it for me?"

Then there was the shocking time when a certain, sweet gentleman, 80 years old asked me in, promptly took his teeth out and asked, "Is that a gum boil in there?"

Hee Hee...yes, I loved them. Each were very unique in their own very special way. Soon I was working 5 days a week for 6 hours. Then, I was hired by one of the retired Board of Directors to clean their home once a week. Mr. H. wanted me to help out because he wanted his wife to relax a little more. It was a very large house. I was with them about 6 months when Mrs. H became ill with cancer. The family hired me to become her caregiver as well as Mr. H because he had triple by-pass and was very ill. He always said he would die way before his wife but she passed away 3 months later. His daughter & I became very close through this time. I was experienced with bed-side vigils because of my Mom's illness of 3 months and finally dying in my arms. She had cancer as did Mrs. H. I became Mr. H.'s Private Caregiver from late morning to dinner time. I went directly to him after my shift was over at the Center.

There had been a tragedy at the Center enough to hire round the clock Security. After a year was up and looking at the cost my Boss asked me if I was up to doing some Security work at night from 11 pm to 1 am. She said that they were not expecting anymore trouble but it would make the seniors feel more secure if they knew someone was out their watching over them. She said that the people loved me and trusted me and it would help them. I took it on. I loved it! Sometimes I was jolted with fear when something came up...like Mr. Bear!...but, there was something about being outside by yourself when nothing is moving, all is quiet, and you can soak in prayer. I always felt so brand new after night shift. I was never tired the next day even though I noticed changes in my body. Things were becoming more difficult to lift, or bend, but, I ignored them.

So far, I cleaned, was a Caregiver, Security, I even became quite handy with certain tools. I took over the Office for my Boss when she was away for 2 weeks holiday. I worked off and on as a Caterer, I was also a Matron at our RCMP Station (but I only lasted a few months on that because it was too frightening & painful seeing what came in and out. It was actually one prisoner that placed the fear of satan in me and I never returned.) I was a single Mom...and a wanna-be-writer! I interacted with many different types of people and they have impacted my life beautifully. Even when there was pain I learned so much more than just "capable of doing odd jobs". I learned about myself and how I really am with people. I came to realize that I am more real now than I ever was in my whole life. I have learned to laugh. I have learned to see the lighter side of things. I have even seen that even during a tragic experience or loss, there definately is a rainbow with your name on it that will soon be in your sights and close enough that you will be able to reach out and touch the incredibly beautiful smoothness of this promise that God has sent you.

In my next post I will share some experiences of some humorous encounters with "my people"at the Center. (The Board of Directors used this term about my relationship with the Seniors...0:) ) For now may your every footstep be forward and not backward. A very, very, good friend always reminds me "Look Up, Not Down. Look Forward, Not back" What wise words!

Bless you today, tomorrow...& always

Divorce

Isn't it amazing how important sleep is to our health? When I was younger, early twenties, I could function on 5-6 hours on sleep but who said that the older we get the less sleep we need? For me it is the opposite. I wonder if it has something to do with my Fibromyalgia and other health issues? Just a short time ago, 1994, I was out playing tennis, hiking 5 miles, and working 11 hour days...now I am a sad picture of what I used to be. Along with the depression the fibromyalgia was topped off with IBS and Diverticulosis. What a wreck, you say...what a wreck, I say too! BUT, I sometimes think that God allowed some things to slow me down so that I could focus more on Him. He didn't cause these things but He gently wanted to remind me that all these things that I was involved with kept my mind and my spirit looking in different directions. I thought it was the most important thing to me...to make money & support myself after my divorce. I wanted to buy myself material things. Once I lost it all, (because without any notice you can lose it all), and after the shock wore off, I came to realize that even when I had those "things", I was not happy.
I remember one particular day when I had bought myself a new stereo componentand and it felt so good to pay for it myself. I was told once during my bitter divorce that I would not make it on my own so it felt good to have that cash in my bank account and treat myself to the things I was not allowed before. I was also told that I did not have class. For years I believed it...until I looked into the mirror and saw an image that I never recognized before. I saw myself how Jesus saw me...a loving, forgiving, servant of God. To me that was all the class I needed. The stereo was turned off a great deal of the time. It collected dust. I had to keep buying newer CD's to fill all of my favorite artists as my flavor for Christian & Country music grew. Then one day I arrived at work (it was a Senior Citizens Home Society where it housed about 55 suites, 35 in the 3 story apartment building where the Communal Lounge was and then 20 bungalows outside) and I pulled up into my parking stall. Little Cecil was always out there waiting for me. He was 90 years old and he called me "Sis". He took it as his "duty" to escort me safely inside the main doors. What a lovely man. Well , this particular day, Cecil was standing amid a small crowd of Seniors who were hovering around in a little circle. I knew something was up. Cecil caming running on his skinny old legs at full speed...(I will leave that to your imagination)

"Sis, ya gotta come quick! There's a real tragedy here! Ya gotta fix it!" he stated shakily.

Oh my gosh...whatever has happened, I thought, with my heart racing a little too fast. I prayed that one of our Seniors hadn't taken a fall. (Often I had come upon falls, cuts, wondering aimlessly and even death in the Seniors Center among our Seniors). The crowd dispersed as I approached and they pointed to the corner of the lawn...a little baby bird crouched shakily amid the dewy grass. These people were relying on me to help this little birdie that had somehow fallen from it's nest. The only tree it could have come from was too far away for it to fall from and it was way too new to fly. "Gosh", I thought to myself, "What am I going to do with it?" The Seniors were clearly upset at the sight of this vulnerable living and breathing feathered friend. I automatically bent down and placed my cupped hand at the edge of the lawn where I stood some 20 feet away from his safety zone near the building wall. With unbelief clouding my eyes that little birdie hopped across that lawn and right into my palm! Tears flooded my eys as did the Seniors. The trust that this teeny little thing had to hop over hill and dale and curl up with fluffed wings into a giant's hand was only something that God would allow. The little fellow did not live but at least it died warm, fed, and loved instead at the beak of a crow.

Sometimes I felt like that in my marriage. Caged. I felt like I could not spread my wings and fly. I was afraid. Not of being crushed but of believing the lies. My faith had been stunted. I am not saying that I agree with divorce, I don't. Divorce hurts. It hurts you, your spouse, your family & friends. But, if it is a very needed step then so be it.

For years I felt so guilty because the bible speaks about divorce and how God does not like divorce but I never understood the meaning until our wonderful Pastor broke it down in a sermon one Sunday. I finally got it! God doesn't like "divorce" but it doesn't say we are wrong if it is unavoidable. He just wishes that it did not have to be. I used to feel guilty but I feel guilty no longer. My ex-husband is happy in a new marriage and I am happy in my new life as a single Christian woman who is free to study and grow in her faith to the fullest. I did not die like that little birdie, I am alive like I have never been alive before. The material things I used to have don't mean as much anymore. I gave my stereo to my son. I do not miss it. The feeling that I had when I gave it to him was beyond the feeling I had when I bought it for myself!

You are not alone if you are going through a divorce. If you would like some personal prayer for yourself or someone you love please drop me your email and I would be happy to email you a prayer that I will pray for you or your loved one. Materialistic things and cages are not meant to bring us happiness. Only you can do that by realizing that you are a lovely creation of God and He will set you free!

Blessings today, tomorrow...and always