Whenever May nears I always seems to miss Mom more than ever. I don't know whether it is because of Mother's Day approaching or whether I am reminded of 19 years ago Mom started losing weight and by July (my birthday) we were told that Mom had inoperable cancer and she had 3 months to live. This picture of her was taken about 1 month before she left us. She had only had her portrait taken twice in her life and she said, "Glad, I don't have any nice recent pictures of me so that you can give them out after I am gone. I want people to remember me in a happier moment" It was a very difficult picture taking session. I did her hair, put make-up on her, put my earrings on her, and she wanted to wear her one good dress that she saved for special occassions only. Mom smiled her cute little self conscious smile and I cried behind the camera lens. She didn't seem to notice...I guess she had other things on her mind.Even through her illness, there was times of laughter. We always laughed a lot in our family (once the crazy dysfunction was gone.) Mom came from a family of 15 siblings and her brothers & sisters, neices & nephews, and friends came to say goodbye. I guess many of them thought we would be a house of gloom but once they walked in and saw the whole room filled with flowers and people all over the place, drinking coffee and laughing and reminiscing about days gone by, I am sure their hearts were grateful for the sweet memory that they would leave with.
As soon as we found out that Mom would be leaving us we all decided that Mom would move in with me & my family. Mom wanted to sleep in the livingroom because she didn't want to "miss anything". She told me that she wanted laughter and she wanted flowers while she was alive so that she could enjoy them. Every day and every night there was someone new to come stay with Mom. I was her main caregiver but she enjoyed her sisters coming to care for her. Many wonderful meals were made. It was like a constant reunion but except for the odd person spotted crying, (like me when I snuck outside and hid under the balcony to have a cry in private when the pressure became too much). One would never have guessed that there was a dying woman inside that lovely blue house with the white picket fence and HUGE garden full of fresh vegetables, herbs & flowers. Mom was a wonderful woman. We didn't always see eye to eye when I was a teenager but I loved her so much. When I became a Mother I fell in love with my Mother in a very special and beautiful way. I finally recognized the pain in her eyes that had seen way too much in her life. Yes, she was a real warrior in eyes. For all that she had experience in her life I would have thrown in the towel had it been me. Her deepest pain began with the death of her first born, Doreen, at ten years old. Doreen died of a brain tumor. I cannot imagine the sheer pain in her heart as she watched her baby slowly slip away. Mom...I am so sorry that you began your marriage with a death. Mom & Dad had 6 of us, (including Doreen). My sister was one year younger than Doreen. Can you imagine the pain and confusion she experienced? After she realized in her 9 year old innocent mind that her best friend, her sister, was not coming back because she was up in Heaven now, she used to go outside worried that Doreen had not eaten so she would throw bread upwards in hopes that Doreen would get it.
I was 2 years old when Doreen left us so I do not remember her. But, I grew up with the pain of her death. My parents turned to sources to drown the pain and often there were tears or angry words about Doreen and her untimely, too soon death. There was a lot of blame toward God. Later on in life they came to realize that God does not cause disease.
Soon, Mom's lung cancer traveled to her brain leaving one side paralyzed. I had to do everything for Mom after that. Bathing, dressing, delicate situations, brushing teeth, giving medications...and on and on. I loved it. I wanted to give to Mom what she gave to me as I grew up. Mom also told me that she wanted me to take care of her and that she would never be alone. I vowed to her that she would have these wishes. The hospital staff & Dr.s & I were on first name basis. It was in a community of 12,000 so you pretty much got to know everyone. Many of the Dr.s would treat Mom or check on her when our Dr. was not available. We had the Palliative Care room reserved for us because instead of putting her into emergency when she had her 3 seizures they would just wheel her into her room and tend her there. Mom did not want machines so each time we entered the hospital I did not know if it would be the last time.
When it neared the end, there was my sister, my aunt & me. The nurses were in and out all night. They had gotten to know this sweet little lady who never complained and they loved her. - During the last month of her life I would put Mom in her bed for an afternoon nap and I would lay ontop of the blankets and hold her and sing along to her little gospel tape. Without my knowledge the nurses would all come to peek at us and cry and whisper to each other..."Her Mom mothered her in the beginning of her life and now she mother's her Mom at the end of her life." Yes, I felt blessed that I was able to comfort Mom as best I could. I couldn't get enough of her because I knew that soon I would not have her anymore. - I crawled into bed with Mom and began to sing and speak to her. She was in a coma. God spoke to my heart and said..."Give her permission to go." So I did. "Mom, it's okay. You don't need to hold on anymore because it hurts too much. Let go of the pain, Mom. We will follow you, but for now cross that beautiful stream with the cool running water and meet Jesus. Your little girl is waiting for you, Mom" Soon afterwards, her breathing slowed steadily...gently...and she said goodbye with one last beautiful breath. Do you know that that room felt full of warm and tingly energy. It was like there were Angels everywhere. Even the nurses felt it. Three nurses and the female Dr. my sister, my Aunt, and myself were present as Mom gently slipped away.
I haven't been able to stop writing since. What that has to do with anything, I don't know, but it opened some sort of door. Maybe my faith opened widely after that but it took me a while to truly give my life over to the Lord.
In 12 days it will be Mother's Day. Let's honor our Mother's with something that will make a deep connection between you because one day one of you will not be present on Mother's Day. Take advantage of this special day, ladies because being a Mother is something God gave us as a very special gift. For those of us that don't have a Mother anymore, remember that we will see them again but you can still continue to honor your Mother by remembering her openly. Buy yourself some flowers and place them in view for yourself to see and say...
"Happy Mother's Day to us Mom."
